This week's Dear Elle a readers asks: Should a partner be announcing to their friends that the sex has dried up?
Better late than never I always say, on the West Coast, it is still Friday, so without further delay here are this week’s Dear Elle @milknheels posts! One reader overheard her hubby telling a friend they’re not having enough sex in their marriage…hmmm…read below to find out what I have to say about that.
Another reader, is a stay at home mom, who although she does appreciate her hubby’s help, she has an issue with how he does things around the house. Seems she likes the help, but prefers he would help her the way she would get the job done. Beggars can’t be choosers? Or can they. Read my two cents of advice to her.
Enjoy!
Dear Elle,
I recently overheard my husband telling his friends that we’re not having sex like we used to. Ever since our son was born (one year ago) our sex life has not been so “hot and heavy”. The timing is always off and we are adjusting to being new parents. I know (trust me, I know) that less sex can be frustrating, but, should my husband be announcing it to his friends?
From, No Hanky Panky
Dear Hanky Panky,
Well the short answer to your question is no, of course you would hope that he doesn’t talk about your sex life. Although when I give it more thought I immediately go back to all the times my closest girlfriends and I have, and continue to talk, in great detail about our sex lives. So, part of me feels like I get why he might have told his buddy, and the other part of me understands why that would upset you. But, we can’t really live in a world where it’s do as I say and not as I do, especially not in our marriages. Unless, I’m lumping you in the same pile as me and my girls and assuming that you do discuss your sex life with them, but you actually don’t. If you don’t, then I think the first thing to do with your hubby is to address this with him directly. Tell him that you overheard it and that it hurt your feelings, and for you going forward you would like your sex issues to be kept private, between the two of you. The next thing I would do with him, during that same conversation is ask him what he thinks would help get your sex life back on track, often our partners have very clear ideas of what they think would get the sex train running full steam ahead again.
Now, if you were my girlfriend and we were sitting across a table from one another I would tell you straight up that a one year old is no longer an excuse to not be fitting sex back into your life. That is all on you. Sorry, but it is. And when I say you I mean both you and your husband need to take ownership of not making sex a priority. So, the next thing you’re going to do, after talking to him about how you got your feelings hurt, is you’re going to start putting your relationship back to being important to you both. Make a deal with your hubby that every Saturday night, or whatever day of the week works for you, will be date night. Tell him to book the restaurant, pick the movie or whatever you both enjoy doing, and that you’ll arrange for a babysitter. Use this as your one day a week to have sex, for starters. Yeah, I know it sounds weird to “schedule” your intimacy but trust me when I say, when you’re out of the habit and practice of sex, this is the only thing that will help get you back into the groove. Then once you’re having regular sex once a week, you’ll start to want more sex, and make time for it, and then before long you’re back up to multiple times a week. Nobody likes living a life without sex, well I mean at least I’m not that girl that can go without sex, I get downright bitchy if I don’t get enough. So, stop with the so tired, busy one-year old story that you’ve got going on in your head and get back into sync with your lover, and get it on girl!
Xo
Elle
Dear Elle,
I am a happy stay at home mom and I love that I’m with my two girls all of the time. My husband has a wonderful job, which sometimes requires long hours. Even with the long hours, my hubby tries his best to never miss a dance recital or school play. However, when my husband’s home I find myself nagging him for more help with the girls and the “day to day” because I sometimes can get overwhelmed. So, being the good guy that my husband is, he tries to help, he really does, even when he’s exhausted after a long day. But…he just does everything wrong! Should I just be grateful? He’s trying, right?! Should I just applaud that he’s putting in the effort? Or is it ok to get on his case about how I like things done…my way.
From, My Way
Dear My Way,
GURL do I know what you’re saying!!??!! Take it from this A-type OCD woman, I am this person. I have felt these exact things. I have spent hours seething, grumbling under my breath because either my hubby didn’t help me enough, or when he finally did, he did it wrong. And all I can say is what a waste of precious time that was that I will never get back. Only now that I’m forty-nine do I realize that it would have been so much better to graciously accept not only his help, even if it wasn’t done “right” but the help of my girls as well.
Instead what I did was I ended up no longer asking any of them for help and put such a huge workload on my own shoulders that I almost burnt myself out. But not before becoming incredibly bitter to them all. So, might I save you the aggravation and offer you the solutions to your problem that I discovered much too late?
1) have an honest and frank chat with your hubby, starting with expressing how grateful you are that he is willing to help at all with his hectic and busy work schedule.
2) then ask him if he would mind if you might share what would be most helpful to you when he helps you? When he says yes, pick what you feel are the two greatest get under your skin helping fuck ups, and then share with him how him doing those particular tasks differently would be way more beneficial to you. Then describe what helpful helping looks like to you in detail so he can do it the way that makes you feel most supported and helped.
3) finally, the most powerful recommendation I have for you is that you just find your peace in this situation by letting go of your need for control and embrace the helping hand he’s extending to you.
Because I mean running a house isn’t like finding a cure to cancer, so how wrong/bad can he actually be at helping to make your life easier???
Xo
Elle
