I often wonder how much effort should one put forward to see their aspirations/dreams/goals come to fruition. I find I flip flop a little bit on this; never really sure when to “push” and when to “wait and trust” the divine plan that the universe has for my life. This “confusion” follows me while driving too…like should I get off and take side roads, will it be quicker, do I know better than the determined direct route in front of me? Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm.
The universe has been working on me my entire life, attempting to assist me in acquiring more patience. Which is why it is too funny that every passion that lies within my heart are all things that are entirely out of my control in making them “happen.” I wonder why an impatient woman like me would pick pretty much every career that requires all opportunity to be successful comes from an outside influence??? You know what I mean?
When I was younger I was a dancer, I could work as hard as I wanted and if the choreographer didn’t want me in the front, or to have a solo, I didn’t get it. Then at sixteen I was scouted at a talent show and brought into film and television. Again a career path that relied solely on other people deciding if I would “succeed” or not; regardless of how much preparation I put into my auditions, or how many classes I took. Then along came writing in my mid-thirties. Once again, write for days, weeks, months, edit for days, weeks, months, send my babies out into the world and wait for somebody to say yes or no.
Why? Why are my passions, the things that drive my soul and set my heart on fire things that are so out of my own control? It truly makes me go “hmmm.” Me, a girl who arrived two weeks earlier than I was scheduled to make my debut upon the world, living a life filled with desires that see me waiting, waiting, waiting. What is the universe teaching me; and why is it taking me so bloody long to learn the lesson? Clearly I’m not a great student, because you know how all the manifestation coaches in the world tell us: “When you believe it you will see it.” Or, “let it go, believe and it will be.” It goes on and on and on all the advice on how to ensure your dreams become a reality.
The biggest hurdle I have, something that I’m not great at, and still have way too many days where I falter, and slide back into is “the comparison game”. You know the one, where you look at other people in your field of dreams who are where you want to be, while you’re seemingly so far from it. So you stare in the mirror and ask yourself what’s wrong with you, why you’re not where you want to be? And then the slippery slope of self doubt, fear and quitting takes over your heart and mind. This, I can thankfully say is becoming less and less frequent for me, because I have a saying that helps me through it: “What’s mine is mine, what isn’t never was.”
So here I sit. Years into this thing called life, and not to be a brat, but if I might just be frank, waiting. Waiting for, as my awesome song writing friend sings in his song, one of my absolute favourites that he’s ever written, IT’S ALWAYS SOMETHING: “My father died just before my leaky ship came in.” I would replace the word mother, since she’s always been in my corner and a great champion of mine. I do wonder, will any of my hard work pay off in her lifetime??
And that’s sort of how I’m feeling today, maybe it’s being brought into sharp focus because I’m set to marry a daughter, which as incredible and beautiful as that is, it also has me examining my own life and taking stock as to where I’ve been, where I’m trying to get to and how much more time do I really have on this earth to get there. Look, I understand that none of us are guaranteed tomorrow, so there really is no hard and fast answer to “when” but you know, I still have to ask this question of the universe…when will my leaky ship come in???
If you’re in the mood read the lyrics to Rick’s song, and listen to it too. Because it really is “always something” on this path called life, isn’t it.
It’s Always Something
I look around me and I see what I wanted and what I settled for
Yeah, I’ve got the heart of a Joan of Arc but the soul of a gigolo.
I’ve been good at snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.
Anytime I stopped to smell the roses they drew blood from me.
Do you know what I mean?
You never ever get away clean. But it’s alright,
Yeah, touchdown, turn around, flag on the play.
It’s always something, you know it is, it’s always something,
It’s always something, everyday, it’s always something.
When I was a kid the teachers and the priests said,
“Why do you let him run around like that?”
My father said, “If the boy wants to play guitar, I say we let him.”
Through the hard years he was my rock
when I just could not win.
So it goes y’know my father died
just before my leaky ship came in.
Do you know what I mean?
You never ever get away clean. Oh, but it’s alright yeah.
Down one, home-run, your dog steals the ball.
I step up to the table in the middle of my life
and I take my cards and I check them twice.
I’ve got a killer hand and I’m ready to stake my claim,
the cops raid the game.
…it’s always something