Do you ever feel like you just keep getting kicked in the guts, or does your life ever feel like you’re going one step forward, two steps back…all the time? Do you? Or is it just me?
The interesting thing about my life, about being “me” is that I find it difficult to feel alright with feeling disappointed, or upset about where I’m at during my most difficult moments. I don’t really feel “okay” being blue about things not going my way. Because outwardly I definitely have more than my share of blessings, I know that I do. In many ways my life is so much fuller, richer, and fulfilling than I could have ever imagined, and for that I’m deeply and profoundly thankful. On the other hand, there are many things that I feel I’m still waiting to have come to fruition, for me. Not for Yannick. Not for our daughters. Not for my friends, but goals, aspirations and dreams that are on my heart that I’m hoping will pan out for me. So that I too might have something that I desire, that I’ve worked hard toward become a reality as well as those around me. Being married to somebody who is as successful as my husband is has it’s pros and cons.
The pros are obvious, the cons. Not so much.
People expect me to be content with being Yannick’s wife; with having lovely things, nice homes, exotic cars, anything that being the spouse of an actor of his caliber provides a person. And I am. Don’t get me wrong I really am. But aside from all those things, I am also my own person, who, before I even knew there was a man out there named, Yannick Bisson, had hopes and dreams of her own. Some of those were girlish fantasies that have long since gone by the wayside, but some of them still burn bright inside me. Aspirations that have been on my heart for as long as I can remember, that no matter how hard I try to act like they aren’t important to me, or still a part of me, rage on.
I’m sure some of you reading this know exactly the feeling, the desire I’m talking about. A dream that you, for some reason or other have yet to realize. It’s shitty isn’t it. To have such a desire on your heart that won’t quit. So you, like me, probably work your ass of to bring it round to fruition, but for some reason all the work, prayer, effort, manifestation you can muster still doesn’t make it a reality. I have to say, for me, it’s not the most fun way to go through life that I can think of. Listen, please don’t message me saying how insensitive it is of me to moan and groan about not having my dreams come true. I know it’s poor timing to share this with you, I’ve struggled about whether or not to even divulge my feelings in a post, and I’m even aware that it’s slightly gross to feel this way during a time when so many have literally lost everything. Unfortunately, the way I’m built is I can’t lie when I write. I can’t write about a whole bunch of other topics while this is weighing so heavily on my heart. I’m also the sort of person that when I witness how fragile and fleeting life can be is when I struggle with these feelings the most. That’s when it hits me hardest that; “Wow. Nothing is guaranteed. Like NOTHING.”
I mean we all already know this, but when so much crazy shit is happening every single day all around me, that’s when I stop and really take stock of my life. And poor timing or not, I have to say that if my life were to end tomorrow, I would feel like it ended with too many things being left on the table, and I’m not okay with that. I want to achieve all my dreams in this one lifetime. That’s my hope, that’s my goal. But it truly feels that life doesn’t feel the same way as I do.
The crazy thing about this ride called life is there’s no instruction booklet that says if you do this at this time, then follow it up with this action at that time, at the end of taking all the steps you will end up with your goal being accomplished. I mean when you go to Ikea, you buy a shelf, you follow their instructions you end up with a shelf at the end, or at least you should. Ikea isn’t always an easy thing to manage, so perhaps a better analogy is when you follow a recipe to bake a chocolate cake. If you follow purchase all the proper ingredients and follow it correctly you will in fact have a chocolate cake at the end of it. There is some comfort in knowing this, that when you follow instructions/recipe, at the end of it you will have a successful result.
But not life. Life doesn’t happen like this. I know this to be true, because I’ve seen it happen to me more times than I can count. I’m not having a pity party, or looking for your sympathies, I’m venting my frustrations to you, because I really have attempted, on many different occasions to turn a dream into a reality so many times. And truthfully, between you and me, I’m exhausted. I’m honestly worn out from trying. I truthfully feel as though I cannot bring myself to try to realize my dreams one more time, for one more day.
Last night I went to sleep with the thought; “Maybe I am on this earth to be Yannick’s wife, mother to my daughters, and help to support them all to be their best selves. Maybe I’m not a writer, actress, talk show host, or game changer. Maybe, just maybe those aspirations are all fanciful and childish. Maybe I need to wrap my brain around, and get content with all that I already have, and stop aspiring to accomplish anything outside of wife and mother???”
And this my friends is something that really makes me go “hmmm…”