In LA, we live in the Santa Monica mountains, just ten minutes from the PCH. We’re only ten short minutes from the Lumber Yard, or the Malibu Shops, but when we want to go out for dinner and drinks, there isn’t a cab that will come up to our place in the mountains, to pick us up, and take us out. So in LA, we are forced to use Uber. Listen, I know many have a “hate, hate” relationship with Uber, and I too have my complaints. Like the time a dude picked up our youngest at Pepperdine campus to take her to an appointment for “x” amount of dollars, and then another, different Uber driver charged here THREE TIMES AS MUCH to bring her back to campus. It’s a scam. I don’t have a single company in the world that I allow “free access” to my credit cards, or bank account via “auto pay.” No. F*#k you. I want to see my bill, and I want to be sure you are not ripping me off. I’m weird like that, I trust absolutely nobody. So nobody, other than Uber, has my credit card on file where they can and have, upcharged at whim. And, since I have three daughters, living in various cities, going out, NEVER drinking and driving, you can imagine the range of billings I receive from Uber.

Needless to say Uber customer service, and I have had some heated conversations about them putting their greasy hands into my credit card to surcharge, up-charge, extra-charge out the ass all they want, when they want. I have canceled my Uber account numerous times…only having to sign back up for the convience of not drinking and driving in our remote Cali location.

Tonight, I opted for Uber, instead of just a regular Toronto taxi. Which, by the way, God love you guys, and I know this isn’t your fault, but why does every single cab I climb into in Toronto have the CHECK ENGINE LIGHT on??? Owners of the cabs, please, for the love of God, send your cars in to check and see why that light is on.

I mean it is the ENGINE LIGHT. Sounds kinda serious, at least to me, the passenger.

Anyway, I digress, the point of this post is this: If the cabbies want people to ride in their cars rather than Ubers, here are a few things you can do to win favour.

1) wash the interior of your cars. Like makes sure the door handles, seats, etc aren’t covered in a layer of grim

2) make sure your windows open, so that, should I feel the need to get fresh air, ummmm perhaps because you’re a smoker, and I am NOT and you just had a cigarette inside your car, I should be able to open a window so I don’t PUKE. Which in your cab is a $50-$100 clean up charge…

3) Ensure you’re licensed. Sometimes I get into the back of a cab, and I’m pretty sure that even if I’m drunk, I’m still the most qualified driver out of the two of us.

4) make sure that you car is road worthy. Like I don’t allow my own car to whip around the city streets with all sorts of “check this” and “check that” light display going on. I would appreciate if your car was also in tip top shop.

And for you taxi license holders, who, from what I hear aren’t the drivers of the cars, for the most part. If you’re going to charge me all this money why the hell aren’t your cars as clean as the Uber cars who are also privately owned?

Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm.